Home Sweet Home? What Nobody Tells You after Living Abroad.

I’m from the North East of England, but my mind is often somewhere else.

There are two things which scare me most in life: big dogs off their leads and narcissists. Let’s just say I have experienced both! Give me a chance to go somewhere new on my own, however, and I’ll jump at the chance. Just let me plan and get the logistics sorted first, and I’ll try my best to make the most of it.

They say travel broadens the mind, and, in general, I would agree. What nobody tells you, however, is that an extended period in a place where you assimilate the culture very successfully can cause quite a few problems when it comes to reintegration back into your home country. It is often known as reverse culture shock or re-entry shock, and very little can prepare you for it, or at least that’s my experience. It could well be different for someone else.

So, if reverse culture shock is a ‘thing,’ then it would make sense to understand (or at least try to) which stages precede this. When asked to define culture shock, many of us would perhaps focus on the differences between the new, host culture and our existing one, often tending towards the negatives rather than the positives. I suppose the word ‘shock’ might encourage this. However, the first stage of culture shock is often characterised by a sense of novelty and excitement, and it can be a period where a lot of learning and progress take place. It’s the honeymoon period in which everything is fine and dandy. 

And yet Isaac Newton was absolutely right. What goes up, must come down. If stage one of culture shock is when everything is exciting and new, then it stands to reason that this sense of novelty must wear off. The only thing is, however, that nobody tells you, and it can strike in the most unexpected of ways. The second stage of culture shock, the antagonistic phase, often comes with little or no warning. It can be triggered by the most innocuous of events and opens the floodgates for feelings of frustration and unhelpful comparisons. What was once a source of excitement can become the reason why the new culture feels alien and hostile, and there may be a tendency to crave your home culture in ways you have never done before. One memorable trigger for me included being laughed at when trying my best to explain what I wanted in a Spanish supermarket. Within seconds I hated where I was and just wanted to go home.

So, what happens after the initial high and subsequent low? Stage three. This is when things balance out. Without sounding flippant, while I would get frustrated that restaurants generally opened later and I couldn’t get any decent tea bags, I loved the fact that I could eat quality seafood every day of the week if I chose to, and the coffee was always great. Things aren’t necessarily better or worse; they’re different. Stage three is therefore a reconciliation of stage one and two.

Sounds OK so far, doesn’t it? Cue stage four of culture shock – reverse culture shock or the reintegration phase. This for me was the big one. I naively thought after years of living away from my home turf that it would be a case of jumping on a plane, coming home, and I could easily pick up where I’d left off. After all, I hadn’t been living thousands of miles away, and I’d always made it back for Christmas. I was very, very mistaken. After the initial excitement of being home had worn off, I realised that I had changed and was homesick for Spain. I missed my friends, food, the permanent job I’d left, as well as the routine of my previous lifestyle. I didn’t get the job in the UK that I’d pinned all my hopes on, and I found it very difficult living at home again. I had to start from zero, but that felt even stranger because I was back in a place I knew. To be honest, I felt depressed and lonely. I couldn’t talk about things that I was interested in with people from home as their lives had, just like mine, moved on. Looking back, it probably took me nearly two years to re-establish myself. It wasn’t easy at all, but the alternative was to stay somewhere where something didn’t quite feel right anymore. 

I’m often asked if I regret coming back, or if I would ever move abroad again. I can honestly say I don’t regret coming back, but I’d be lying if I said there weren’t moments when I don’t feel a bit different or a bit out of place. In my case, coming back was the right decision for me at the time, and if I hadn’t taken that decision then, I would’ve had to take it much later, prolonging my own agony. Saying that, I have a more nuanced view nowadays, and I don’t rule anything out. I’m open to life’s surprises. I’m lucky to have made friends for life by living abroad and have some friends here that I’ve known since primary school. I genuinely believe that the right people will stay in your life and the wrong ones won’t, whatever you choose to do.

So, to those on the cusp of deciding whether to stay or go, or to those experiencing the different stages of culture shock, I say this: it’s you who wakes up every day walking in your shoes – no-one else does. Knowledge is power, however, so hopefully this has provided a little bit of insight into the different stages of culture shock and reintegration, and I wish you luck on your journeys wherever they may take you. Bon voyage!

Lyndsey Dickinson.